How it is to live with a trauma.

It’s May and it’s #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and I’m finally ready to talk about my mental health issues and how it is to live with the after-effects of a trauma.

This is the hardest blogpost I've written. Please be kind. 
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

My mental state in 2012: Depression. PTSD and emotional instability.

I was not in good shape after my abusive relationship ended. The first months after it ended I was drunk 24/7, at the hospital for suicidal behavior for two weeks and after that I was on medication for two years only to be able to live.
And during those two years I had to re-learn so much. Like how to be able to walk outside without having a panic attack, how to take a train by myself, how to say my opinion or laugh without being afraid of being scolded or being told that I was dumb or fake.
I had a great therapist from day 4 in the hospital but it took him months to figure out what was wrong with me, apart from depression and recovering from the abusive relationship.

I was always able to work during this time. I took my first exam in Journalism the day before I ended up in the hospital and four months later (with highest grade despite being drunk 24/7), I moved to Stockholm for my internship. No matter how bad shape I was in, how little I slept or how much I broke down at home, I found safety in being able to go to work in the morning.

“You should not be able to work at all, you should be on full time sick leave”, was my therapist's words once. He asked if I wanted to be on sick leave but I said no. I was so down in the dark that I was afraid of what would happen if I did not have the routine of work anymore.

And I did a great job after all, good recommendations and I was seen as a great colleague with much potential. (And yes, here my workaholic pattern started)

But my mental health did not get any better. I continued to be on medication to be able to function, I could not sleep without my pills and I gobbled up anxiety medicine as there was no tomorrow. I had nightmares, panic attacks and I could not stop beating myself up over everything. I could not connect with people and I was just so afraid.

After months of weekly therapy meetings, my therapist started to dig into the possibility that I might have PTSD. 

I ticked basically every box of those tests. We started on a new journey where I trained in managing my everyday life, handling my anxiety and preparing for situations that might come. We started with exposure training, self awareness and a lot more.
And step by step I got better. 

I took my second exam in Journalism. I took on more jobs and I grew in my work role.

3 years after my abusive relationship ended, I could take the train in my city by myself again.
I got off my medication, then my sleeping pills.
I was on the verge of becoming fine again.

Then I had a horrible relapse where I had to relive my whole trauma again. I had to explain why I had not walked away earlier, why I did not go to the police immediately ( I had waited for a year after it ended since feelings are tricky that way) and also defend myself as a person. After all, I seemed so emotional and unable to let go so why should I be trusted.
It almost broke me again and I had to take two days off from work.

My therapist again said that I should not work and that I should take some goddamn time off. But I was in so much pain that I was afraid to do so. At the same time I started to feel the long term effects of my PTSD and living with an ongoing trauma for so long. So with my permission, he called my work and made sure that they were aware of what had happened and that I could skip one of my tasks at work.

From there on, my life kept on rolling. Or rather, routines kept me going. I gobbled up anxiety pills again but I did not have to go back to other medications and sleeping pills.

Me and my therapist kept on working on my mental health and this time, it went quicker. I had some more mental scars from the relapse but in 2017 I was completely good again.

Or rather, so good that my therapist and I both agreed upon that I did not have to come back and that I was as good as I may get.

My mental state in 2021: I have been good for a few years but I am living with the after-effects of  depression, PTSD and emotional instability.

The long term effects of trauma will never go away.

So… what am I living with today?

• I’m on 80% of my energy. All the time. This was hard for me to accept and it took years, tears and long talks before I could accept that I would never have my old energy back. That I will get tired quicker and if I push myself at work, then my private time will suffer as I would not be able to do anything for days. Things also take longer time, both private and in work.
• Memoryloss, both short term and long term. I have severe glitches in my memory from the years when I was 26-29. Some periods there when I was on medication.. It is just blank and I have no memory of the things that happened there. Thank god for photos, journals and for me writing things down. I can live with that. The sad thing is that before my trauma, I had a memory I was proud of. I could read 10 pages and memorize them in five minutes and it stayed. Now, I forget things all the time and it takes lots of notebooks, calendars and control for me to keep things in mind. I make it work but I’ve lost count on how many times that I have broken down and cried because of that loss.
• Lack of concentration and focus. As with my energy, this is 80% and sometimes, it is goddamn hard. The days when my brain is just like a teflon pan, I just have to pull through and write everything down and trust my methods of organization and routines that kept me living during the hard years.
• Severe trust issues. I don’t trust people and I’m having a hard time connecting on a deeper level. PTSD puts me in a constant flight or fight mode so it is extremely hard for me to trust people. I’ve become very independant and very firm in never having to rely on people again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that basically, all my patterns of connections are replaced with patterns of protection. I blame or thank my journalist work, my passion for nerdy things and my love for animals that I’m still able to talk to people.
• Guilt and shame. I constantly beat myself up over mistakes I make. This since I know that I could have done a better job if I were 100%. And also the voice from the mental abuse that says that everything I do is wrong and why do I even try. The guilt and shame are sometimes unbearable and then I can only take care of myself with movies and icecream.
• Nightmares. They are fewer these days but they have never stopped and I still wake up crying and in horror over old things, even after ten years. 

But why speak about it now, openly here on my blog with everything to lose?

Because it is time for me to be open about my mental health. That is my only answer here.
There are so many out there, men, women and non-binary that struggles with mental health issues and they carry so much by themself and it should not have to be that way. Stories about mental health and how to handle it are important and if by sharing my story and what I live with makes it any easier for people out there, then it’s worth it.

And I don’t fear judgement and loss of things or people anymore. My bosses today already know and me being able to tell them is a result of me being open. 

I’m also extremely grateful to my bosses on different jobs that have been not only understanding but extremely supportive when I told them. They did not see me as broken or a nuisance but they trusted that I had my things under control and that I would tell if it became too much. 

I think I also wanted to be open about it since I think it’s important to talk about mental health and how it affects people. With knowledge and care, it gets better and I don’t want people that go through something similar to find a destructive coping mechanism. Not in this day and era.

Perhaps I also want to say that this is a weight I carry with me, each day and it sometimes affects me more.

These days, I have a very rich and full life where I can do all the things I want. I stay away from certain people that trigger me and I also have to think of what I spend energy on and that I need to rest more often. 

When I met Viktor, my mental health was one of the first things I told him about. We were sleeping together and he needed to know about my nightmares, my trust issues and why I sometimes said that I needed to faceplant the sofa and not move for hours. He needed to know and I needed to be transparent.

Do I wish that this had never happened to me? 

Heck yeah. I sometimes wish for my old self so bad that it hurts. I want to have 100% of my energy and I want to be whole.
But I will never be able to go back to the old me again.

However, I found a new me that is not only surviving but living. With scars, trust issues and being me. I continue to take care of myself, to have awarness of my health and to take help when it gets to much.

I'm very happy for the person I am today and I will make my outmost to have the best life I can.

Every step of the way.

I'm so damn happy over being alive.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

Time to dive into The Bridgerton!

WARNING! The following post contains huge spoilers for the Netflix series The Bridgerton! If you have not seen the series and don't want to know what will happen - Please stop reading here!

My dearest reader. Time has come for me to dig my pen into the oh so scandalous and lovable serie that are on everyone's lips. The drama that has so much steam, passion and flirting that it turns heads in all directions.

Of course, dear reader, I’m talking about The Bridgerton!

Such a perfect drama! Such scandals! 

Well, I really could not resist to start this with a touch of Lady Whistledown!

Cause the truth is that I fell head over heels for this series. For representation, for dynamics, for plots and for the dresses.
It was a perfect series with both it’s high parts and its flaws and I will write about it with very loving eyes. There are subjects that I will dig deeper into in later blogposts but here, I will try to keep it light and just being a happy fangirl!

So let’s break it down, shall we?

Number 1 - The Plot!

The plot about love, pride and intrigues in the upper class in 1810 are in one way so simple but also so complex and wonderful. It is extremely sparkling, captivating with an amazing dynamics between the characters! The Bridgerton family is something so rare as a family with a great love for each other, but also with strong individuals with different motives, bounds and goals.
I love how the series manages to give all of them depth and a story.

To follow the siblings' lives as a red thread is great for the narrative. We see the struggles that the oldest son Anthony and the oldest daughter of the family, Daphne go through in overcoming gender roles and taking up their responsibilities. We get to follow how the series pushed on the unfairness of society in the young Eloise's struggle for education. We'll see a a glimpse of decadence in the second son, Benedict's dreams for art and freedom and also a speck of naive romance in the dreamer of Colin.

The siblings all reflect different sides of the society they live in and I loved to get a glimse into their lives and to witness their banters with each other.

The family that almost is too perfect. Luckily, all have their flaws!

Speaking of each other…

Number 2 - The Characters.

There are a wonderful character gallery in this series! I’ve already mentioned the Bridgerton siblings but I have to start this with my top 3 favorites!

1. Lady Danbury. Holy fuck!  The moment I saw her on screen my first thought was  “Oh my god, I need to larp her!” and the second was “I want to be as cool as her when I’m old!” She is a fierce and scary lady with so much pondus and opinions and a remarkable way to sail through the world with dignity and a sharp tongue. I really love how she mentors Simon and also Daphne as a very snappy fairy godmother. She also shows what freedom married women could have in this world.
   I place her high up on my list of cool ladies together with Avasarala from The Expanse.

2. Queen Charlotte. I squealed the moment I saw her. She is damn cool with the best resting bitch face in cinema history. Her presence during the series gives a great tone to all of the ongoing drama with her constant need for gossip paired with her own personal tragedy. This combination of traits make her so great!

3. Violet Bridgerton. Oh, the mama of the series with such sharp eyes and also such a great will to protect her children. She is the perfect mix of confused and smart and I love how human she is. And how much she loves her family, her late husband and how that love drives her to keep going on. She is the heart of the series giving so much warmth.

Well, I’m a sucker and a huge fan of the older ladies of the series. Most of all because I think that older women are pretty amazing and I love seeing them take bigger place onscreen but also because there 3 are remarkable characters with different strenghts but also weaknesses. I would love to see more of them in the next season!

The unholy trinity of badass ladies! My goal for being old is set!

Adding up to these, I’m a huge fan of Eloise and her wish to focus on her studies escaping from the norm that she as a young lady needing to marry. She brings a fun and modern vibe to the series and I so like her nervous awkwardness.

So what about the love birds Simon and Daphne? Oh, I do love them a lot! They have an amazing chemistry in everything. Their romance and build up for it feels believable and makes me sit on the edge of my seat all the time waiting for what comes next. Simon's speech about love and friendship is one of the most beautiful love declarations I've ever seen on television.

With that in mind, I also love them as individual characters. To get an insight into the struggles Simon went throught as a child and how his past relationship with his father inflicts his whole life is not an original story. But here it works because it gives him a depth and a siftness that shines through and make him very human.

I also really like how his lonely childhood is set up towards Daphne's loving family home, they are in one way oposites of eachother in background and experience while being each others match in whit and cleverness.

In regards to Daphne, I love her story and how she forms herself from a very limited gender role to a woman with control, insight and a huge heart. 

From first look, she comes accross as a beautiful but kinda meek girl that lives for being married. But that quickly changes. It is clear that she wants to get married and she knows her responsibility as the eldest daugther. She also know that she is judged solely on her looks and that most men won't look any further. But she wants more, she dreams of a marriage like the one her parents had - one based on love, respect and understanding. Coming from a very privilegied position in life, her knowledge about things are limited but she quickly catches up for this with an open mind, a lot of empaty and by alos finding her own strenght.

And I love to see her grow and how she learns how to use her new power and knowledge under the soft surface. Read me right, Daphne is no Eloise that dreams of education and a better future for women. But she takes a very active role as a women withing this times limited gender role. And by doing that, she is changing her own destiny and also impacts other lifes around her to the better. I find that journey very beautiful cause not all rebillions as a young girl comes from kicking oall the rules out of the window. Sometimes, you need to work with the rules you are given to change the world.

Daphnes journey in discovering her own feelings and most of all, her sexuality is so great to see and I will dig into that further down.

I can't decide who is most beautiful (or most annoying)

But a storyline and character that really grabs me in a love-hate relationship is Marina's. She is such a complex character being a young unmarried, pregnant woman that is both desperate, proud, frank and kind.
She is the epiphany of all young women that finds themselves alone with a huge belly and with the knowledge that the only thing that awaits her is mockery from society and a ruined life. The unfairness Marina feels over this and how it transforms her from a young sweet girl to someone who is on par with Lady Fetherington in intrigue is tragic and fascinating at the same time.

And of course, we have Lady Whistledown herself but I will come back to her later...

Surrounding these characters, we have a beautiful world, filled with gossip, richness and flirtation that creates a story that just keeps me hooked.

But can we just all agree on the following here?

• All ladies in this series need sex-education, and a good one!
• All men in this series need therapy to learn how to handle their feelings and stupid sense of honor.

Dear god what it would have saved us troubles but then again, we would not have had this beautiful world.

Speaking of worlds…

Number 3 - Representation matters!

The Bridgerton are set in an alternative historical regency time and the big thing here is that this is a world where racism does not exist. We see a society where Person of Colour (PoC) are living on equal terms with white people. Where PoC are not discriminated against or mistreated because of their skincolor. It is a world with several black characters, including some of the main charcters (even thought the main family is white). A world where interracial romances are normal and not made a fuss about.

All scenes with the Queen blew me away!

And I love it so much. I will most likely dwell into this subject into a later blogpost and there dig into it a bit deeper and with more analytic eyes.

But let me take it very short here!

All good dramas usually draw tension from one of the following themes: Gender roles/sexism, Class or Racism. (In fantasy settings, we also throw in the element of the battle between good and evil). Let’s call these themes the Drama Element Triangle (DET). And yes, I will most likely write more about this in a later blogpost!

We usually need to have two out of three from the DET to create a good drama, otherwise, there is no tension in the world and our characters have nothing to struggle against apart from their own personal ghosts.
(The DET are of course also very present in our real world but that is another story.)

In historical TV series set in Europe PoC are rarely visible. They did exist historically, but it seems to be hard to make them visible onscreen in series. And when it does, it is usually towards a very real and ugly background of the racism that existed during those eras (and still are present).

I love my historical dramas and I’ve also accepted the fact that PoC does not have a place in the series set in Europe. I still watch them and enjoy them a lot.

But with that, it is so refreshing to see a series like The Bridgertons where PoC are just there on the same terms, with high status witouth a big plot explaining the situation. It is briefly mentioned between Simon and Lady Danbury in one episode in five lines but that’s it.

We are here and no explanation needed. We do not justify ourselves.

The longer explanation is building on the theory that Queen Charlotte was of black ancestry but that is now explained since this is a series where we do not need to have our worldbuilding explained to us.

The world of Bridgerton is a world where we see a society built on strict gender roles and class but witouth the elements of racism. And this is remarkable to do in a series like this where PoC are such a big part of the cast.

A dream about how easy it would be IRL

Now, has The Bridgertons manage to find a good way to handle the burning questions of racism and interracial relationship by creating a world where there is no debate over these questions?

Both yes and no.

There might be critique to say that it is wrong to erase the very real element of racism from history and how it has affected PoC. And yes, I wish for more historical series that put focus on real PoC. But I don’t feel that The Bridgerton strives to erase the history of racism. For me, they are showing a world where struggles are still real but also where PoC are finally able to shine without focus on the horrible and tragic history of racism. Here they can just exist on the same terms as anyone else and they can be individuals.

And we all know that in the real world, racism is a very real thing and it's super painful and hard to deal with for PoC. It is a lifelong struggle that never ends.

Same with interracial relationships. I have been in a few and there will always be questions, evil comments and also a feeling that I have to prove myself. It is a fucking hard world we live in.

So with this, The Bridgerton works for me and experincing a world without racism is remarkable to see. It is wonderful, uplifting and it gives me a space where I can actually dream a bit of a world where racism does not exist. It is like a larp I have never been to and that I want to see.

On the bigger picture, the element of racism can never be not talked about and never be hidden away. It is still a real thing today and one series does not change the world. But I for once want to feel that I don't need an explanation for my PoC in a series and that I don't have to get smacked by a racist world in my escapism.

And I hope that we can see more historical series set in alternative history or even historical series where PoC are made more visible.

 

Speaking about visible…

Number 4 - The clothes!

The clothes! Oh dear god! The clothes made my heart jump with joy! I’m not a fan of the fashion of 1800. In one way, I find it so romantic, sweet and I want to wear it but for someone with curves like me, it is hopeless. Clothes with such high waist and no shapes, I'd look like a sack of potatoes. Does not matter what kind or stays/corset I use. I need to have clother that clings to my figure.Simple as that, I'm not a fan of the regency clothes.

With that said, I really like the shimmering, the sheer garments and the lines of the dresses. The way they are mixing historical fashion and hairstyles with some haute couture and styles from earlier and later in history. It fits the style of an alternate historical world perfect.

Subtle and not so subtle pointers in the clothes.

And I love how the dresses show contrast between the highborn Bridgertons by their use pastel colors and the newly rich Fetheringtons wearing bright, almost neon colors.

There is already a big difference in how the Bridgertons and the Featheringtons are portrayed and put against eachother. Bridgertons are a family with history, old money, a good name, flawless children and with great love for eachother.

Clothes really make the family...

¨

The Featheringtons are a family of new money, less flawless children and where the parents clearly have no love for eachother.

The Bridgertons already have a well-cemented place in society with titles and a flawless expectation while the Featheringtons are struggling to find a place.

By placing the Featheringtons in bright colors and also having Lady Featherington in a bit more haute coture fashion really draws a line between the two familys and also how they are viewing themselves.

One are a family of swans where the members do not need sharp colors to show their perfections and where they each are very interesting individuals that have had the chance to grow by love.The other are a family of parrots that needs to draw attentions to themselves with bright color to hide that there is not so much more there cause there has never been any love for them to grow individual traits.

Subtle but oh so effective in bringing a bigger dimension to the world!

Speaking of bigger….

Number 5 - The sex!

Dear god! I did not expect so much sex! The first episodes had some mild scenes but the focus was more on flirting, which all had to be very proper. The sex scenes in some episodes took me completely by surprise and I swear, I have never blushed so much. I do really like them for their rawness, passion and the amazing chemistry between Daphne and Simon.

But they also make me so annoyed sometimes that I want to scream!

The sex scenes between Simon and Daphne are supposed to be super-mind-blowing intercourses BUT none of them lasted for longer than 20 seconds?
For the love of god, can we just agree on:

1. 20 seconds is not good sex.
2. Where is the foreplay? Can we please have more than 10 seconds of foreplay?
3. Sex that is “in-out-in-out” and with no other stimulation does not make women orgasm that quick in 9 times out of 10. It might happen sometimes, but it is not the standard case and it would have been great to not have that view pushed so hard here. Sex needs to be more that that.

On the plus side, I really like the variation in the sex with some tipping the velvet and not only the missionary.

And here I come back to Daphne again. I love love LOVE that we get to take part in her sexual awakening here cause it's so rarely shown from a female perspective. I love that it is shown how she mastrubate (and that she does it for herself and not for a male gaze) and finding her own pleasure and also how open she is with her desires and need for sex. She is the virgin here but by making us part in her sexual awakening before she and Simon has sex, their first time is not about her being the prey or the shy virgin. It's the height of her finding pleasure and wanting more. Sex on equal levels? I'm very willing ot call it that.

We also see sex on decadent parties with lots of kisses and sex where both men and women participate. The women are however from lower class/married women/widows but that further put empasis on the freedom women in certain positions could have. I like that they are shown since it also brings in the element of homosexual love in a very nice way while it gives a darker undertone to the storyline.

I also like that the series showcase the huge difference in how knowledgeable young men and girls are when it comes to sex.
It is a very traditional view we are seeing here showing that men gain knowledge about sex from brothels and relationships with women of lower class while young girls of high class has NO CLUE of how sex works or how children are made.

Speaking about made….

Number 6- Lady Whistledown.

Oh boy, I really loved this one! The element of a bigger mystery in the series that I as a viewer had to figure out through the whole season was gold.
But also the impact on the series having Lady Whistledown as the gossip queen, spider-in-the-net who impacts our characters life so much making them dance after her tune.

It was exciting to watch and it brought a different perspective to the whole series while making it much more cohesive and streamlined.
Her papers were much like social media today but with a much more fun tone.
I spent a lot of time guessing who this misterious lady could be, or if she is even a lady! But with 3 episodes left, I had narrowed it down to one choice and to my great pleasure, I WAS RIGHT!

I was totally not the most proud cat around for guessing correct!

To know who was the secret lady behind everything puts so much in a new perspective. I actually had to re-watch the whole series to puzzle bringing her character in a new perspective.
Furthermore, the lady's silent eyes, her ability to grasp all around her and to be snappy and firm but not personal in her writting until she becomes hurt is remarkable. I held her in very high regards even before the end of the season as one of the most interesting characters having the most potential for development in the future!

I really look forward to seeing what the creators will do with the Lady Whistledown plot in the next season and how they will play on her now-revealed identity to us viewers.

That was all of my basic I views of The Bridgertons!
I already look forward to the next season where we will follow more of the characters and perhaps dig down into more mysteries. I know that there are around eight books but I will most likely try to wait with reading them until season 3 or 4. (Good luck with that Anna!)

In the next seasons, I want to see so much more of Benedict Bridgerton (I so ship him as bisexual!), of Eloise (since I think she will grow like a Fenix!) and of Penelope (for growth, gossip and broken hearts). I want to have much more of Queen Charlotte and I really want to see more of the class struggles in the next seasons. We did not get to see much of it here since the focus is on the upper class, (this is no Downton Abbey), but if we get a bit more of it… the series can grow really good in the sense of drama and tension! Lets see what the next season can bring!