Being a Superwomen or how to carry it all and never be carried

(Please note, I did not, in any way come up with the Superwomen term by myself, that was done already in 1984 by Majorie Hansen Shaevitz who came up with the term "Superwomen Syndrome" to define women who was trying to do it all. This is just my story and take on it.)

Capable is a word many have used to describe me.

Other, very common ones, are a great organizer, work machine (the correct term is workaholic, thank you!), problem solver and fixer.

To sum it up, during the last… ten years, I’ve made myself into just that. A fixer, an organizer and a project leader for basically everything I do.

This is not something I decided on (it’s not like I woke up one day and thought “Ohhh, project leading seems nice, let’s do it”), but rather something that just… happened.

Well, I’ve always had a dream about being a boss so perhaps it was semi-conscious. But since 2012 when I started to relearn my life again, I was in such a sad state. I could barely do basic things like… shopping or even take the local tram by myself.
My ex-husband Svart had to encourage me to do most of the things and accompany me.
But after I got better and better, I felt a need to have control of myself and my life again. I did not want to be a husk of my old self and to feel that my health and life was in the hands of others
I wanted to be in control and I wanted to be able to help others.
Most of all, I wanted to prevent people from getting hurt or to have bad experiences in life.

All of these things turned me onto a path where I became a project leader and a workaholic.

I was a pretty good one. I could juggle a lot of things, keep different projects apart and never drop anything. I managed to get great results, do all the things and dive into new projects and on top of that, have a great homelife and be the fun organizer that always had a plan.

And I felt happy that people appreciated what I did and what I could achieve. I thought that this would prevent me from ever falling into that pit of helplessness and loneliness again.

Oh, how I was wrong .

I did not realize that I had put myself in the position of a Superwomen. 

It is when a woman gets into the habit of being a project leader and falls into the trap of doing everything by herself rather than ask for help.

Illustration made by Dani Pendergast

In my case, it was because 

1) I was very convinced that I would not get any help since I had pretty bad experiences from people around me after my trauma  

2) there were some years when I had to step up and take a big responsible for the household and the economical situation 

3) I already had a pattern of having to be an extra mom for my brothers during my early teenyears and had learned to adapt to not be in the way and to solve my own problems since they took up a lot of space. (Bros, I love you but you were pretty exhausting there.)

This caused me to develop my workaholic pattern (read more here) and to be known as a fixer and a doer in everything.

For me and for many other women, this so-called life of a Superwomen comes with a huge price to pay and often results in burnout and loneliness.

As you might have guessed from my own story above, the Superwoman complex comes from when one strives for a sense of control,but ends up putting other things ahead of one's own well being.

This can be very hard to spot and it took me years!

Why?

Well, it’s so easy to be flattered and feel like an accomplished person when you create things that others are enjoying (like organizing events and so on), or being told that you always have things together (being a project leader of a household) or lastly, are the one who can be so creative and come up with great solutions and ideas on the fly (being a fixer and a doer).

The clear downsides of this are:

• You feel that you always need to be on top, otherwise, you are not good enough.
• You take on every task and more since you know that you are good at it.
• You often get left with tasks from others since you are the one “being a fixer.”
• You very rarely or never get an acknowledgement that you are actually VERY good at the things you do.

A lot of these things are similar to the good girl syndrome that many young girls are put into from childhood, with things like:

• Always be polite.
• Never say no.
• Do not create trouble.
• Help others all the time.

Being a Superwoman is a straight way to a burnout and instead of being in control, you risk bending over backwards to adjust to what people want or need from you.

Because it is so good to hear those words and feel like you are a strong, capable woman, both in private life and in work life, that it takes a while to realize that you are actually being in zero control.

Read me right here, it is a good thing to be a fixer, a doer and being a project leader for your own life.

But looking at my own story as well as the structures for many other women, this Superwomen thing is when these things start to spill over to the rest of your life and people take advantage of it.

“Well, Anna, you can pull this thing together in a week, right?”

“You are always so good at project leading so we leave this to you!”

“ Strong, independent women.. Love how you can just… organize it all by yourself, it saves so much time and zero help is needed!”.

These expectations and demands are of course without proper credit, payment or acknowledgement which directly affects one's worklife.

The private downside of being a Superwoman is that you can come across as so strong, so damn good of a project leader and fixer that you are not allowed to be vulnerable.
Partners are drawn to you for being a capable woman with a career, goals, ambitions and that you can organize the living shit out of everything.
Many will try to get you to share more duties, to be a team and to be more vulnerable and that can be so good!

If they can live up to this.
However, there is a difference in talking the talk and walking the walk and partners can often be scared to death the first, second or 20th time a Superwoman breaks down under pressure, not having everything together or just being a potato in the sofa.

Because, what people forget about us Superwomen is that we are humans and have the same need for rest, vulnerability and support as everyone else.
When partners and friends are drawn to Superwoman and only feel comfortable with the capable project leader and not the human side of the person… Then it can quickly turn into a very toxic relationship where one part  never is allowed to be weak, have a bad day or even rest.

The result is very often an emotional burnout and being stuck in being an unappreciated fixer at work and a project leader at home that never gets a break. A short advice, if you have friends and partners that can only accept you when you are at your best, cut contact with them.

So, what can be done to support Superwomen in your vicinity?

At work:

• Do not dump over boring tasks on your female colleagues just cause they are good at it and you (yes, you fellow male colleague) think that they can handle it. Ask them, respect a no and give them credit.
• Do not give your female colleagues insanely short deadlines for projects with the argument “They are usually good at this and they are a fixer.” Treat their time and competence with respect and at least ask them.
• Do not guilt them into doing tasks when they’ve said no. Do it yourself and learn to be a fixer.
• Give women credit for their work. In front of others. All the time. 

At home and with friends:

• Let your female friends be vulnerable and soft. Let them rest.
• Ask them how they are doing and do not dump 1000 things on them to solve.
• Do NOT only value them when they are great and shun them when they have a bad day or are resting. If you are their partner/friend/family, you shall love and value them for all they are.
• When and if they burn out, do not expect them to get back up in one week. Step up, take care of their things and let them rest.

In short, a women should not have to be perfect in every aspect and have to juggle private life, relations, work and hell and heaven at the same time. 

I have been and still am blessed with great friends that over the years have shown over and over again that it is ok for me to be vulnerable and to not only be in a fixer mode.

But it took a long time to let go and rest in that feeling and it took longer because the pressure of always having to perform was there from so many others.

And to my fellow Superwomens out there: You are great and when you say no, say it again and again. If people around you do not respect it, walk away from them. (There are a lot of articles around on the internet about the Superwoman syndrome, too many to link here but have search and a read!)

How it is to live with a trauma.

It’s May and it’s #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and I’m finally ready to talk about my mental health issues and how it is to live with the after-effects of a trauma.

This is the hardest blogpost I've written. Please be kind. 
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

My mental state in 2012: Depression. PTSD and emotional instability.

I was not in good shape after my abusive relationship ended. The first months after it ended I was drunk 24/7, at the hospital for suicidal behavior for two weeks and after that I was on medication for two years only to be able to live.
And during those two years I had to re-learn so much. Like how to be able to walk outside without having a panic attack, how to take a train by myself, how to say my opinion or laugh without being afraid of being scolded or being told that I was dumb or fake.
I had a great therapist from day 4 in the hospital but it took him months to figure out what was wrong with me, apart from depression and recovering from the abusive relationship.

I was always able to work during this time. I took my first exam in Journalism the day before I ended up in the hospital and four months later (with highest grade despite being drunk 24/7), I moved to Stockholm for my internship. No matter how bad shape I was in, how little I slept or how much I broke down at home, I found safety in being able to go to work in the morning.

“You should not be able to work at all, you should be on full time sick leave”, was my therapist's words once. He asked if I wanted to be on sick leave but I said no. I was so down in the dark that I was afraid of what would happen if I did not have the routine of work anymore.

And I did a great job after all, good recommendations and I was seen as a great colleague with much potential. (And yes, here my workaholic pattern started)

But my mental health did not get any better. I continued to be on medication to be able to function, I could not sleep without my pills and I gobbled up anxiety medicine as there was no tomorrow. I had nightmares, panic attacks and I could not stop beating myself up over everything. I could not connect with people and I was just so afraid.

After months of weekly therapy meetings, my therapist started to dig into the possibility that I might have PTSD. 

I ticked basically every box of those tests. We started on a new journey where I trained in managing my everyday life, handling my anxiety and preparing for situations that might come. We started with exposure training, self awareness and a lot more.
And step by step I got better. 

I took my second exam in Journalism. I took on more jobs and I grew in my work role.

3 years after my abusive relationship ended, I could take the train in my city by myself again.
I got off my medication, then my sleeping pills.
I was on the verge of becoming fine again.

Then I had a horrible relapse where I had to relive my whole trauma again. I had to explain why I had not walked away earlier, why I did not go to the police immediately ( I had waited for a year after it ended since feelings are tricky that way) and also defend myself as a person. After all, I seemed so emotional and unable to let go so why should I be trusted.
It almost broke me again and I had to take two days off from work.

My therapist again said that I should not work and that I should take some goddamn time off. But I was in so much pain that I was afraid to do so. At the same time I started to feel the long term effects of my PTSD and living with an ongoing trauma for so long. So with my permission, he called my work and made sure that they were aware of what had happened and that I could skip one of my tasks at work.

From there on, my life kept on rolling. Or rather, routines kept me going. I gobbled up anxiety pills again but I did not have to go back to other medications and sleeping pills.

Me and my therapist kept on working on my mental health and this time, it went quicker. I had some more mental scars from the relapse but in 2017 I was completely good again.

Or rather, so good that my therapist and I both agreed upon that I did not have to come back and that I was as good as I may get.

My mental state in 2021: I have been good for a few years but I am living with the after-effects of  depression, PTSD and emotional instability.

The long term effects of trauma will never go away.

So… what am I living with today?

• I’m on 80% of my energy. All the time. This was hard for me to accept and it took years, tears and long talks before I could accept that I would never have my old energy back. That I will get tired quicker and if I push myself at work, then my private time will suffer as I would not be able to do anything for days. Things also take longer time, both private and in work.
• Memoryloss, both short term and long term. I have severe glitches in my memory from the years when I was 26-29. Some periods there when I was on medication.. It is just blank and I have no memory of the things that happened there. Thank god for photos, journals and for me writing things down. I can live with that. The sad thing is that before my trauma, I had a memory I was proud of. I could read 10 pages and memorize them in five minutes and it stayed. Now, I forget things all the time and it takes lots of notebooks, calendars and control for me to keep things in mind. I make it work but I’ve lost count on how many times that I have broken down and cried because of that loss.
• Lack of concentration and focus. As with my energy, this is 80% and sometimes, it is goddamn hard. The days when my brain is just like a teflon pan, I just have to pull through and write everything down and trust my methods of organization and routines that kept me living during the hard years.
• Severe trust issues. I don’t trust people and I’m having a hard time connecting on a deeper level. PTSD puts me in a constant flight or fight mode so it is extremely hard for me to trust people. I’ve become very independant and very firm in never having to rely on people again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that basically, all my patterns of connections are replaced with patterns of protection. I blame or thank my journalist work, my passion for nerdy things and my love for animals that I’m still able to talk to people.
• Guilt and shame. I constantly beat myself up over mistakes I make. This since I know that I could have done a better job if I were 100%. And also the voice from the mental abuse that says that everything I do is wrong and why do I even try. The guilt and shame are sometimes unbearable and then I can only take care of myself with movies and icecream.
• Nightmares. They are fewer these days but they have never stopped and I still wake up crying and in horror over old things, even after ten years. 

But why speak about it now, openly here on my blog with everything to lose?

Because it is time for me to be open about my mental health. That is my only answer here.
There are so many out there, men, women and non-binary that struggles with mental health issues and they carry so much by themself and it should not have to be that way. Stories about mental health and how to handle it are important and if by sharing my story and what I live with makes it any easier for people out there, then it’s worth it.

And I don’t fear judgement and loss of things or people anymore. My bosses today already know and me being able to tell them is a result of me being open. 

I’m also extremely grateful to my bosses on different jobs that have been not only understanding but extremely supportive when I told them. They did not see me as broken or a nuisance but they trusted that I had my things under control and that I would tell if it became too much. 

I think I also wanted to be open about it since I think it’s important to talk about mental health and how it affects people. With knowledge and care, it gets better and I don’t want people that go through something similar to find a destructive coping mechanism. Not in this day and era.

Perhaps I also want to say that this is a weight I carry with me, each day and it sometimes affects me more.

These days, I have a very rich and full life where I can do all the things I want. I stay away from certain people that trigger me and I also have to think of what I spend energy on and that I need to rest more often. 

When I met Viktor, my mental health was one of the first things I told him about. We were sleeping together and he needed to know about my nightmares, my trust issues and why I sometimes said that I needed to faceplant the sofa and not move for hours. He needed to know and I needed to be transparent.

Do I wish that this had never happened to me? 

Heck yeah. I sometimes wish for my old self so bad that it hurts. I want to have 100% of my energy and I want to be whole.
But I will never be able to go back to the old me again.

However, I found a new me that is not only surviving but living. With scars, trust issues and being me. I continue to take care of myself, to have awarness of my health and to take help when it gets to much.

I'm very happy for the person I am today and I will make my outmost to have the best life I can.

Every step of the way.

I'm so damn happy over being alive.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.