Who is a real Swede? (And who can steal your girlfriend?)

Note: This is based on an old blog post from 2021 that I wrote in Swedish. Now, with election year again and an increase (AGAIN; WHAT THE HELL!) in racism and hateful rhetoric towards People of Color, I rewrote it and translated it into English.

Okay, election year 2026 in Sweden is coming up. So, here are my thoughts about the over all shift in attitude towards immigrants and People of Color (in this text referenced to as PoC)  from our government.

Since 2014,  the tone has gone from being “racism is absolutely unacceptable” to “ Let’s just turn a blind eye AND let’s encourage it more”  and now, it’s completely okay to express racist statements without having the slightest analysis behind what this has to do with what structures or what it does to people and citizens of color in Sweden.

Hell, I’m so tired and angry about this.

And here there are probably several of you who want to say… ”Hey Anna, you are adopted, it is not YOU that the statement applies to. Why are you making it about you when you are not an immigrant?”

Correct, I am adopted, a Swedish citizen and have lived in Sweden 98% of my life (with short breaks for Denmark and now Norway).

I can still react and think that it is wrong and racist with the current attitude towards immigrants and PoC. 

Maybe I react a bit more since I am a PoC and this actually impacts me. Because who can say that I’m adopted and a Swedish citizen when they see me on the bus or out for a walk? How do we distinguish between PoC:s that, according to our government, have “the right to be here” and the ones that apparently do not?

The answer is that we cannot and we should not divide people simply on something like a racist rhetoric. 

With that, we only end up in an impossible spiral that turns the debate into ”who are real Swedes?” (Spoiler,  it can never be PoC:s, it’s white people only and I will elaborate more about why down below.)

It’s not great to have a debate around who is a real Swede plus the statements from the current government that immigration is a burden on the Swedish society (and blatantly ignore that immigration is one of the pillars for a lot of jobs in Sweden plus a HUGE help for smaller cities in getting populated again).

Because it does something with how we and Sweden are viewing people with non-Nordic backgrounds.

The first is that all PoC:s in Sweden, despite our status as citizens or immigrants, are all perceived as less worthy, no matter how much we work, contribute or do for Sweden. (Again, this view has become a widely accepted notion, increasing over the years since 2014.) This does something to how we behave and act and also how we present ourselves. Not only good or equal to white citizens but we need to be twice as good or great to even be accepted as a Swede.

Note, accepted, not applauded.

It’s so tiresome and draining to always have to perform like this and to always feel like we no matter how much we try to defend our place in Sweden, as citizens and people that have lived and contributed for years - it’s just never enough. Sometimes, we are even getting hate for having a job, knowing the language, having an exam and being married.

Because then, we are taking jobs, education and partners away from real Swedes.

We cannot continue to have a conversation based on the concepts of “The talented immigrant/PoC” VS “The lazy immigrant/PoC”. Simply because the debate will be about who does enough not to be a burden. And those of us who do not look Swedish (white) enough will NEVER be able to do enough to not be a burden. Because even when we are over performing, learn everything and do our best - we are just barely being accepted, not applauded.

The bar is so different for us that it is simply impossible to win. For me personally, I get so angry over this. I should not have to defend myself, nor should I have to be perfect and have to over perform to keep on earning my place in Sweden

I should be able to be on sick leave, have a bad day at my job, speak English once in a while on the phone with my friends from Denmark, steal your awesome girlfriend and still feel that I am no more of a burden on society or get judged harder just because I’m a PoC.

The current racist debate climate in Sweden tries to divide PoC:s into those two camps, “The talented immigrant/PoC” VS “The lazy immigrant/PoC”. 

And some fall for this argument and support it because “Of course, we only want good people here".

But all that argumentation does is to create a fake safety and a fake goal that can never ever be won.

It also shifts the focus to us instead of where it should be: namely, that the racist climate in Sweden has increased immensely and our government is backing it up. That is not okay. 

We need to stop with the racist rhetoric and start to view the whole image.

Immigrants and PoC have the right to be in Sweden on the same terms as everyone else, and we have the right to do exactly as much or as little as we can without being shouted at about deportation or laziness.

The racist climate right now creates an impossible situation where PoC:s feel stuck in a fox-scissors situation where we cannot do the right thing. 

We cannot be good enough not to be a burden because we must always be a THOUSAND times better than white Swedes. But if we are good enough, then we are too good and then we should know our place and it is not in the white rooms or jobs.

Feel grateful to the country that has accepted you. Feel guilty if you don't contribute. But don't do too much because then you'll steal the jobs, girlfriends, and livelihoods of real Swedes.

If you are a PoC parent and your underage child does something wrong, then your WHOLE family is threatened with deportation. And you as a parent, should be ashamed because you worked three jobs to keep your family afloat but could not keep track of who your kid was hanging out with.

But if you are a white parent and your underage child is part of an active nazi organisation, then it is just “bad luck” and “kids will be kids.” And you as a parent, can get away with looking sad on TV and saying that you talked with your kid and that you simply missed checking their social media.

Again, the bars are so different depending on your skin color that it is insane.

Ultimately, I feel enormous anger that our current government has chosen to embrace racist rhetoric to such a degree that they now see this as a completely okay way to express themselves and to make a difference between white Swedes and PoC Swedes.

No one should feel like a burden because they live here and have a different skin color, and no one should feel like they have to defend their existence against a rhetoric that is built on racism.

Why we must learn more about today's gamers

I never expected myself to work in the gaming industry and handle community management. 

Even though I am a journalist at the end of it all, I was never one to stand in front of the camera or be in the centre.  I focused on myself as a digital editor, researcher, producer, and social media specialist.

Those roles all included a lot of interactions on social media with media consumers. From the angry ones and the spammers to the ones that always were nice and the ones that just wanted to share their stories.

These were adults and one thing I learned there is that being an adult on the internet is not an automatic success for behaving nicely.

When I started working in the gaming community, the community were mostly young adults who were passionate about games. They were the happy ones, the angry ones, the sad ones and the lonely ones. Just like the adults but the main difference was that this crowd also felt a bit like the underdogs. Gaming was, and is, after all, a hobby that is often looked down upon. 

Overall, this crowd was a bunch of happy nerds with lots of passion, opinions and more importantly, happy to chat and hang out with other gamers. 

Then, I started to work with the Roblox community.

Holy damn, that has been a ride! I was a complete novice in Roblox games and had no idea about the crowd. 

Nor was I fully aware of how big Roblox is among kids and that everyone plays.

The Roblox community are WAY younger than any community I´ve managed before.

And they are absolute chaos on Discord where the focus is less on hanging out with other gamers but on getting the most items to min-max their gaming.

For me that comes from a world of console gaming and PC, I´ve never felt so old and behind my time. I got a very healthy wake-up call in realizing that this is most likely how my parents felt when I started with video games....)

NGL, this is 100% me some days at work.

The road of learning about Roblox and its community has been a wild ride and in this time, I am so happy to have taken this journey. The Roblox community are a chaotic one but they are also so damn passionate, happy, wonderful and creative. They love to talk, to be informed and to give input on the games we make.

And I never felt so down with the kids when I talked to the kids in the park on the daily dog walk and answered their questions on what I do for work: "Well, I work with Roblox games."

Because everybody plays and their enthusiasm to discuss and talk about their favourite games makes my day.

This is the new generation of gamers but I feel that we, the adults, are making the same mistake with the Roblox generation that our own parents once did with us Pc-, and console gamers.

We do not take their Roblox gaming seriously (perhaps because it is not real games, what do I know?) and we do not listen to them. 

I feel that I have repeated the same advice for parents for 20 years now:

"Talk to your kids and teenagers about their gaming, show an interest."

That is still true and parents should take a bigger interest in their kid's gaming.

But in addition, all of us ( the older gaming generation) perhaps need to take a step down from our high horse and look at what the kids are playing these days, exchange top games to play and learn from that.

The gaming community is wonderful and vast and there is room for all kinds of games, from PC to mobile.

So let´s listen to the new generation of gamers and not only get them to play our games but ask what they and their friends are playing in school. 

And then, we join and learn from them

How it is to live with a trauma.

It’s May and it’s #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and I’m finally ready to talk about my mental health issues and how it is to live with the after-effects of a trauma.

This is the hardest blogpost I've written. Please be kind. 
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

My mental state in 2012: Depression. PTSD and emotional instability.

I was not in good shape after my abusive relationship ended. The first months after it ended I was drunk 24/7, at the hospital for suicidal behavior for two weeks and after that I was on medication for two years only to be able to live.
And during those two years I had to re-learn so much. Like how to be able to walk outside without having a panic attack, how to take a train by myself, how to say my opinion or laugh without being afraid of being scolded or being told that I was dumb or fake.
I had a great therapist from day 4 in the hospital but it took him months to figure out what was wrong with me, apart from depression and recovering from the abusive relationship.

I was always able to work during this time. I took my first exam in Journalism the day before I ended up in the hospital and four months later (with highest grade despite being drunk 24/7), I moved to Stockholm for my internship. No matter how bad shape I was in, how little I slept or how much I broke down at home, I found safety in being able to go to work in the morning.

“You should not be able to work at all, you should be on full time sick leave”, was my therapist's words once. He asked if I wanted to be on sick leave but I said no. I was so down in the dark that I was afraid of what would happen if I did not have the routine of work anymore.

And I did a great job after all, good recommendations and I was seen as a great colleague with much potential. (And yes, here my workaholic pattern started)

But my mental health did not get any better. I continued to be on medication to be able to function, I could not sleep without my pills and I gobbled up anxiety medicine as there was no tomorrow. I had nightmares, panic attacks and I could not stop beating myself up over everything. I could not connect with people and I was just so afraid.

After months of weekly therapy meetings, my therapist started to dig into the possibility that I might have PTSD. 

I ticked basically every box of those tests. We started on a new journey where I trained in managing my everyday life, handling my anxiety and preparing for situations that might come. We started with exposure training, self awareness and a lot more.
And step by step I got better. 

I took my second exam in Journalism. I took on more jobs and I grew in my work role.

3 years after my abusive relationship ended, I could take the train in my city by myself again.
I got off my medication, then my sleeping pills.
I was on the verge of becoming fine again.

Then I had a horrible relapse where I had to relive my whole trauma again. I had to explain why I had not walked away earlier, why I did not go to the police immediately ( I had waited for a year after it ended since feelings are tricky that way) and also defend myself as a person. After all, I seemed so emotional and unable to let go so why should I be trusted.
It almost broke me again and I had to take two days off from work.

My therapist again said that I should not work and that I should take some goddamn time off. But I was in so much pain that I was afraid to do so. At the same time I started to feel the long term effects of my PTSD and living with an ongoing trauma for so long. So with my permission, he called my work and made sure that they were aware of what had happened and that I could skip one of my tasks at work.

From there on, my life kept on rolling. Or rather, routines kept me going. I gobbled up anxiety pills again but I did not have to go back to other medications and sleeping pills.

Me and my therapist kept on working on my mental health and this time, it went quicker. I had some more mental scars from the relapse but in 2017 I was completely good again.

Or rather, so good that my therapist and I both agreed upon that I did not have to come back and that I was as good as I may get.

My mental state in 2021: I have been good for a few years but I am living with the after-effects of  depression, PTSD and emotional instability.

The long term effects of trauma will never go away.

So… what am I living with today?

• I’m on 80% of my energy. All the time. This was hard for me to accept and it took years, tears and long talks before I could accept that I would never have my old energy back. That I will get tired quicker and if I push myself at work, then my private time will suffer as I would not be able to do anything for days. Things also take longer time, both private and in work.
• Memoryloss, both short term and long term. I have severe glitches in my memory from the years when I was 26-29. Some periods there when I was on medication.. It is just blank and I have no memory of the things that happened there. Thank god for photos, journals and for me writing things down. I can live with that. The sad thing is that before my trauma, I had a memory I was proud of. I could read 10 pages and memorize them in five minutes and it stayed. Now, I forget things all the time and it takes lots of notebooks, calendars and control for me to keep things in mind. I make it work but I’ve lost count on how many times that I have broken down and cried because of that loss.
• Lack of concentration and focus. As with my energy, this is 80% and sometimes, it is goddamn hard. The days when my brain is just like a teflon pan, I just have to pull through and write everything down and trust my methods of organization and routines that kept me living during the hard years.
• Severe trust issues. I don’t trust people and I’m having a hard time connecting on a deeper level. PTSD puts me in a constant flight or fight mode so it is extremely hard for me to trust people. I’ve become very independant and very firm in never having to rely on people again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that basically, all my patterns of connections are replaced with patterns of protection. I blame or thank my journalist work, my passion for nerdy things and my love for animals that I’m still able to talk to people.
• Guilt and shame. I constantly beat myself up over mistakes I make. This since I know that I could have done a better job if I were 100%. And also the voice from the mental abuse that says that everything I do is wrong and why do I even try. The guilt and shame are sometimes unbearable and then I can only take care of myself with movies and icecream.
• Nightmares. They are fewer these days but they have never stopped and I still wake up crying and in horror over old things, even after ten years. 

But why speak about it now, openly here on my blog with everything to lose?

Because it is time for me to be open about my mental health. That is my only answer here.
There are so many out there, men, women and non-binary that struggles with mental health issues and they carry so much by themself and it should not have to be that way. Stories about mental health and how to handle it are important and if by sharing my story and what I live with makes it any easier for people out there, then it’s worth it.

And I don’t fear judgement and loss of things or people anymore. My bosses today already know and me being able to tell them is a result of me being open. 

I’m also extremely grateful to my bosses on different jobs that have been not only understanding but extremely supportive when I told them. They did not see me as broken or a nuisance but they trusted that I had my things under control and that I would tell if it became too much. 

I think I also wanted to be open about it since I think it’s important to talk about mental health and how it affects people. With knowledge and care, it gets better and I don’t want people that go through something similar to find a destructive coping mechanism. Not in this day and era.

Perhaps I also want to say that this is a weight I carry with me, each day and it sometimes affects me more.

These days, I have a very rich and full life where I can do all the things I want. I stay away from certain people that trigger me and I also have to think of what I spend energy on and that I need to rest more often. 

When I met Viktor, my mental health was one of the first things I told him about. We were sleeping together and he needed to know about my nightmares, my trust issues and why I sometimes said that I needed to faceplant the sofa and not move for hours. He needed to know and I needed to be transparent.

Do I wish that this had never happened to me? 

Heck yeah. I sometimes wish for my old self so bad that it hurts. I want to have 100% of my energy and I want to be whole.
But I will never be able to go back to the old me again.

However, I found a new me that is not only surviving but living. With scars, trust issues and being me. I continue to take care of myself, to have awarness of my health and to take help when it gets to much.

I'm very happy for the person I am today and I will make my outmost to have the best life I can.

Every step of the way.

I'm so damn happy over being alive.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

The Drama Element Triangle that makes me want to watch everything!

 Let's talk a bit about the tension of drama in series and books. I shamelessly named this the Drama Element Triangle, shortened to DET

In a previous blogpost about The Bridgerton, I mentioned the Drama Element Triangle, shortened to DET, that I had came up with. (And, yes, I’m shamelessly proud over it!) 

To be honest, it came to be when I was talking to Viktor one late evening about The Bridgerton and tried to explain why it made such a good series. And then, I relaized that it could be applied to so many other series so it became a thing.

Here, I will elaborate it a bit more!

I love watching dramas, especially historical ones and I love to dive into the intrigues, plottlines and the personal development that comes with it.
Nothing causes my blood to boil more than a really good drama and nothing can make my cry so much.

Perhaps it is my larperself that loves to dive into the intrigues or perhaps  I’m just a sucker for sitting on the sidelines and figuring out the plotts and cheering for my favorites. Add a bit of masochism in there for when I push myself to finish my 70+ episodes of Chinese dramas and you have me in a box.

So what makes a good drama for me?

Well, of course, the actors need to be good, the story is something that keeps me captured and also I need to feel that the character development are going somewhere. Last but not least, I need my dramas to have depth and surprises as well as being a joy to watch, aesthetics are so important!

But I also need my drama to have something more, a tension that creates a good balance and that put the characters' struggle and interactions on a structural level and not only an individual level.

So enter the Drama Element Triangle (DET). In short, it can be explained like this:

All good dramas in my world need to have a cirle around something... It can be a love story gone wrone, a mission impossible, a postapocalyptic work heading for doom, a family story with lots of intrigues...You name it.

We have astory but the drama usually create its structural tension by drawing from the following themes:

• Gender roles/Sexism

• Class/Hierarchy.

• Racism

(In Fantasy setting, we also throw in the element of the battle between good and evil but when broken down,that battle usually can land in one of the tree above)

One of these elements in a drama is ok but I think that it usually becomes even better when we have two out of three from the DET to create a good drama. The more the merrier and the more heartpain I feel when watching.

This is not always the way of course, I have dramas that only pulls from one end on the DET and it works, mostly because of great actors and with pulling that element to a very extreme focus and also making it relatable to our present time.

So in short, take one or more of the DET and add that to a bigger theme (Religion, Environment crisis, rebellion, a love story or growing into adulthood etc) and the drama is there.

Ok, this is not rocket science so maybe I should not be that proud (I still am) but I’m having a blast in analysing my dramas and books with this one. It also helps me in choosing what dramas and books I want to read and watch. I have a very hard time with dramas that pull too hard from the racism element since it hurts a bit extra on me in the real world. Those dramas or books that have racism as one of it's main element really have to give me something extra if I want to sit and have my heart broken over that.

Cause the DET is of course pulling all the inspiration and angles from our real world and it all boils down is world building and how to make a series to keep people hooked on something.

I want my dramas with a bit of escapism but they also have to be relatable and with that, I need to look so they don’t become too close to home.
For some reason , I have a much easier time enjoying the element of sexism/gender roles in dramas than racism. But it also depends on how it is combined with the other elements. 

For example, my Chinese historical harem dramas pulls very much from Gender Roles/sexism in combination with Class/Hierarchy. The racism element is there but in a very tiny amount. That combination makes it very fun to put the characters' individual struggles to the DET and try to see what are their own mistakes/successes and what comes from outer factors.

It is all about balance and what combination that fits one self.

But I love the DET cause it gives me a lot of inspiration to larp characters, roleplaying worlds and how to build my own stories. And I love to look for the DET a bit extra in my historical dramas since it helps me analys my own world a bit better and to see what I can change in the short term and on the long term.
And most of all, to find out what it was in a drama or a book that just left me unengaged with the story.

I’m just a nerd in this way :)

4 things you can do to stop racism against Asians.

So today, we woke up to the news that there had been a shooting in Atlanta in the US.

Eight persons were shot down at 3 different spa-, and massage parlours. All done by one killer. Six of the victims were women of Asian backgrounds and it’s hard to see this shooting as anything other than a racist hate crime against Asians and Asian women.
It is horrible and my heart breaks a bit each time when I'm hearing these things. Over people that will never get home.

We need to stop racism against Asian people. After Corona broke out, the hate speech and abuse against Asians, especially people from Southeast Asia, has increased a lot, not only in the US but also in Europe.

We need to take this seriously and we need to work to stop this.

1. No more “funny jokes” about Asian people. Not a single one. And be that person that steps up when your friends pull those jokes and say “Hey, don’t say that.”
2. We don’t say China-virus. Just stop normalizing racism and justifying hate crimes like that.
3. Stop sexualising and objectifying Asian women. Not sexual fantasies for being short, dark, exotic and submissive. Just stop.
   
   
4. Stop picking shards and bits of Asian peoples culture and appropriate it in a disrespectful way while at the same time, not making an effort to stop racism and also lift up Asian people. You can’t cherry-pick these things.

And the obvious thing: Racism is something extremely bad and most people agree with that. However, most white people don’t know how to act around standing up against racism other than saying that “Racism is bad” and “I’m not a racist”.

But that is not enough. You need to stand up for your fellow Person of Color (PoC). You need to freaking do it every day.
Cause racism does not take a break in being exhausting, soul-crushing, painful and dangerous for PoC. It is there every single day.

This time, it targeted Asian women and people. Other times, it goes for black people, Hispanics, Muslims and so many others.
When a hate crime happens, it is the top of a big mountain and it is up to you all, white people, to step up and do something. 

And for us other PoC? We are already working as hard as we can and we are also trying to survive.

So with that, let's work hard to make racism end. It is already too much.

More blog posts about this:

• #Blacklivesmatter and how racism is a worldwide problem
• Alla som inte ser svenska ut bör utvisas vid brott
• Not your dark fantasy and never will be
• Bloggserie: Kvinna, leare och rasifierad i civilsamhället

To be soft is to be strong.

 "I now believe true strength is found in vulnerability. In forgiveness. In love"
(DragonPrince)

I have become softer during the last year.
It feels weird to say.
I always was afraid to be soft, to be vulnerable and to feel.
I know that this is a result of bad experiences with love, friends and a pretty bad trauma.
Looking back at the past ten years, I see that I’ve built a very good shield and armour in trying to survive and to protect myself.
That armour has only grown harder since I was let down again and again.

The good thing with making myself harder was I could fight for myself and for my friends, I could walk 1000 miles to make justice and take down people with my words.

But it also made me very distant, it made me push people away and it made me put myself as my last priority.
I ended up carrying so many other burdens that I had no space for myself. And to not let anyone down, I grew ever harder and tried more.

Classic me.

And the realization that very few people would carry me since I was viewed as super-strong was both a surprise but also not.

I created that situation myself because I thought that the only way to protect myself was to be the strongest.
I also thought that I had to live for everyone else besides me since I had a hard time believing that I was worth anything at all (yay for years of mental abuse).

Perhaps I needed to be that person and to walk a sometimes very hard road in the past years to learn about myself.
Perhaps I needed to do that to find my own limits, what is important for me and most important, feeling stable and safe in being just...me.
This same old new me is imperfect but also very perfect. With my hardness, all the emotions, my hype and my tiredness, my super bad humour and my vulnerability, with my softness and with my honesty.

But also with learning that what matters most is me as just me and how I can never ever again put anyone before myself.

I don’t need to be the strongest and I don’t want that anymore. What matters the most is my own boundaries and needs.
If I can’t put myself first, I can’t carry anyone else without doing huge damage to myself.

Truth to be told, I don’t want to carry all of peoples worries and burdens and I don’t want to be the problem solver anymore. 

It drains me to the bone and it also does huge disfavour to the ones I solve everything for since they never learn to handle their shit.

It is very alone on that mountain of being strongest and being a fighter for others and my time on the barricades has taken its toll.

Read me right, I will always be there for my close friends and I will always fight for what I believe in. I will never stop writing about things and never stop trying to make a better world. 

But what I have learned during the pandemicridden year that was 2020 is that I value my softness and my own self a lot more.
I now put myself first.

So I’m softer, I’m more selfish and this is also me.

And how I love to rest in this feeling and to allow myself to smile, put down my guard and just live a bit more. 

To fight for myself might be the biggest adventure yet.

What has been going on?

2021 is here and before I dive into blogging again, there are some updates to be done.

Me and Svart divorced in 2019. It was my choice and something that has been on the way for a while. We parted way as friends but we have no contact today.
My life has since then centred around my work at Bethesda,( you will read more about it later) my friends and my family.
The biggest thing after the divorce has been to learn to live for myself, to be a bit more free and to form my life in a different direction.
During these two years, I have learned so much about my self, my strengths and what I need to be happy.

The other thing is that I've been working from home office since March 2020, a great privilege and that have also impacted my view of self-care and what's important in life.

These are the two main things and most likely I will write about my personal journey a bit more. Perhaps more about my work and about the sanity in a pandemic.

We’ll see!

Trying to get back into blogging!

 Hello again!

It's been a while now since I've blogged and that has many reasons.

One of them being the ongoing pandemic, another one being me working a lot and the third (and perhaps biggest) is a clear case of writer's block.

Yey.

So I start slowly here with updating that I will try to write more. Perhaps not superlong posts as before but more weekly updates of what is happening in my life. Perhaps it will be in Swedish, perhaps in English.

But it's a good start and a nice way to start of 2021.

And of course, Pusheen needs to be here. Life if better with Pusheen!