Till min vän Tove

Min kära vän Tove Gillbring dog i Tisdags.
Det är fortfarande helt ofattbart att ta in och tanken på att inte Tove finns längre är så smärtsam att den inte går att hantera och den kommer inte göra det på länge än.

Tove var ihop med sin man Anders en legend inom den svenska rollspelsscenen. Med allt arbete från Sveroks medlemstidning Sverox (och Signaler från Sverok) till Westen, Guld och Bly och tidningen Fenix.

Men jag vill berätta om vad Tove betydde för mig.

Tove och jag kände inte varandra så länge om vi räknar i år. Jag tror vi möttes 2017 och det som skulle bli en kort intervju för Fenix om mitt arbete med #Isisnerdfeminism blev till ett samtal som varade i flera timmar.
Det var som att vi alltid känt varandra och jag kände att Tove, det var en person jag kunde anförtro mitt liv, min själv och mitt hjärta till.
Det var en sällsynt känsla för mig efter så många år av misstro av världen, att se in i hennes glada ögon och varma leende och känna att jag hittat hem.

Och vilket hem det blev. Med kramar, samtal och allt i sms, på bokmässan samma år och med en själslig samhörighet som för mig betydde allt. 

Jag flyttade till Stockholm 2018 och med det så bodde jag och Tove plötsligt i samma stad. Hon och Anders visade snabbt bli två av mina närmaste vänner och jag har tappat räkningen på alla kvällar och dagar jag åkte dit för att sitta uppkrupen i deras soffa och diskutera spelkultur och allt mellan himmel och jord.

Jag kände mig ibland som en katt som blev hemskt bortskämd av dem varje gång jag var där, med omtanke, kreativitet, mat och kakor. Tove välkomnade mig alltid med sådan enorm värme och hon trodde på mig, hela vägen, även när jag inte gjorde det.

“Tove, jag vet inte om jag klarar detta.”
“Vännen, jag vet att du gör det. För du är bäst och jag älskar dig.”

“Tove, jag har aldrig gjort detta! Tänk om jag gör det kasst?”
“Vet du, det kommer du inte göra. Du kan allt. Och tror du annat så är det fel. För du är bäst.”

Jag kände att jag kunde göra allt när hon sade det.  Jag växte när hon trodde på mig och jag klarade allt. 

Hennes orubbliga kärlek och tro gjorde mig till en mycket bättre människa.

Hon höll mig uppe när jag föll ned i svarta hål. Hon peppade mig till max och fick mig att fortsätta trots hot, hat och fanskap. Jag kunde prata med Tove om exakt allt och jag visste att hon skulle ge råd, skratta, rasa och alltid alltid vara min vän.

Och som hon inspirerade mig! Tove hade så mycket idéer, så mycket planer och ett sådant jädra driv! Det fanns inget som var omöjligt när hon var i farten och jag älskade att se hur hon och Anders planerade och snickrade på tusen saker ihop.

Tack vare henne skrev jag i Fenix, jag recenserade rollspel (OTÄNKBART!), jag fick driv att organisera saker och blir ännu bättre i allt.
Hon var en sådan virvelvind av kreativitet och pepp att det var omöjligt att inte bli meddragen.
Hur många gånger satt vi båda där och sade “Hoppsan, nu blev det visst nya projekt igen!”
För att vi hade peppat varandra att göra mer och mest.
Och så skrattade vi och det kändes för mig som att världen var vår.

Tove gjorde mig till en mycket bättre människa. Med sitt varma hjärta, sitt mod och sin rättframhet så fick hon mig att kämpa lite till och tro på mig själv.
Med sin outtröttliga skaparglädje fick hon mig att hitta kärlek till vad jag gjorde igen.

Och hon fick mig att se det bästa i människor men också att våga vara arg för mig egen del och rasa för mig själv.

Tove var unik med det hon gav till alla runt omkring sig. En legend för spelsverige, en inspiration och mentor. Samt en älskad och kär vän till mig och så många fler.

Jag kommer sakna henne för alltid och göra mitt bästa för att fortsätta växa på den vägen hon har visat mig. Och hon kommer vara med mig varje steg under resten av mitt liv.

To all my male colleagues in the gaming industry - I need you to see

Dear male colleagues in the gaming industry. I’m very tired but I will try to be as nice as possible.

Or rather, I will now be as blunt as it is needed.

I need you to be better when it comes to work for diversity and equality in the industry. I need you to step up and I need you to do active  work all year around.

I need you to see.

Our exhaustion.
Our rage.

Our need to be able to take a break.

Perhaps it is a bit too abstract but let me break it down for you from my point of view.

I am a women, an openly queer person and a Person of Color (PoC). I have been on the barricades for more inclusion and equality in the gaming community most of my life.
Not because I want to but because it is needed and I know that if I want things to change, then I have to do it myself.

But after years of doing this and having great support of my fellow women, queers and PoC, I’m tired.

We are all pretty tired here. We would be less so if we got a lot better support from our male colleagues in the industry.

Read me right, there are some great male allies and feminists out there and I feel proud to call them my friends. They do a huge change everyday alongside us.

But it is not enough. And I feel a never ending rage everytime male colleagues of mine act like the sky has fallen down on them everytime sexism, racism and hate against minorities are brought up.
Like it is a brand new discovery every time. And then, they have the same reaction the next time. And the next.

It is heartbreaking but perhaps even more, their words about “Keep bringing these things up, keep pointing it out to us me”

I just want to scream at you all: “For the love of God, I am not getting paid well enough to be your teacher! EDUCATE yourself!”

But I continue to bring things up.

The result?

I get a reputation as being difficult for always raising these things, for being the angry black women (I’m not black, I’m brown) that never can be content and happy.

“Anna, it is great that you are fighting for these things… Oh, not like that, be nice.”

I do not want your congratulations on this day.
Or any other day. I want you beside me on the barricade.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp

I have to shoulder the full responsibility of making my male co-workers see how difficult it can be wor women, PoC and queer persons but with zero thanks and only making it harder for myself in my career.

Yay fucking yay.

It should not be my job as a woman to point these things out time after time after time.

I should not have to be the voice of reason all the time and the one who spots sexism, racism and so on.

It should not be my job to educate my male colleagues how much hate a woman gets for being a public person, the hate comments female streamers can get and that it is not normal that we have stalkers, online or IRL.

I’m tired of being the difficult one in all aspects and repeating myself for ears that do

not hear.

I will still continue to be difficult and point these things out  because I want to gaming industry and the gaming community to be a better place where everyone can feel represented,where we all treat eachother with respect and where I am not the only female, PoC or queer person in the room.

But I will demand so much more from now on.

So, dear male colleagues in the gaming industry, here is a list of things I want you to be better at to support me and many other females, PoC and queers in the gaming indrustry.

• Be the one that points out sexism in early drafts, in video games, in structures at work.
• Be the difficult one. Tell your male co-workers to stop with demeaning jokes. It is not funny.
• If there are sexual harassment on the workplace, talk to the men responsible, back up the ones harassed and don’t be silent. 
• Don’t brush aside your female colleagues,your PoC colleagues, your disabled collegues, your queer collegues when they are telling about hate speach against them. Don ' t tell us that it is fine, don’t tell us to walk it off. Make sure that we are covered, that we get support from HR, from the company. Be a friend here.
• Make sure to lift your female colleagues, your PoC colleagues, your disabled collegues, your queer collegues, with words and action. These include:
   - Giving praise for work done. ALL work done cause we do a lot of invisible work that you are all just assuming.
  - Make sure that it is not only the men in the theme that get a raise or a promotion. If only the men in a team or a group climbs on the career ladder, it is some fundamental wrong. Challenge it and ask why. To your boss.
  - Men often get way more in payment than other groups, no matter experience or time worked at a company. Make sure to be transparent with salary and to check if your female colleague is at the same level as you are getting the same payment. If not, it is a problem. Your problem.
  - Make sure to ensure that your co-workers with a womb feel that they can take parental leave. This is a HUGE issue since the choice today is usually career or children for many childbearers. Make it change by raising these questions. 

Last but not least:

Educate yourself by listening to lectures and to the voices of your female colleagues around you. And make sure to value their time. Don’t ask them to repeat themself over and over again. Show them, show us the respect of remembering our words

Dear male colleagues in the gaming industry,this is what I want from you.

No more silence, no more surprise face when sexism is brought up, no more relying on  your female colleagues, your PoC colleagues, your disabled collegues, your queer collegues to point things out all the time.

And no more shaming uf us for being difficult infringing these questions up. I want you to be difficult with us, with me and that we can have a change here.

Be part of that change. Some more blogpost on this theme( in Swedish)

• Vem orkar vara perfekt för en halv lön?
• Varför måste en kvinnlig ledare le?
• Har en kvinna den frisyren kan hon aldrig bli tagen på allvar
• Kraven vi ställer på män respektive kvinnor
• Varför jag hellre är dryg än spelar glad
• 8 mars och tankar om systerskap
• Att sluta vara den duktiga flickan 
• Säg inte grattis - engagera dig istället 
• #patriarkatetlurademigsombarn 
• Patriarkatet och feminismen
• Kvinnlig ilska och patriarkatets skuldbeläggande

Ingen är en belastning för Sverige.

Okej, lite mer samlade tankar om ett visst uttalande om att invandring är en belastning för Sverige.

Först och främst, jag har läst hela uttalandet och funderat många vändor över det hela.

Min första reaktion var en blandning av kalldusch och trötthet. Ett kalldusch över att se samma rasistiska retorik jag sett om och om igen nu upprepas av landets näst största parti. Och det på ett helt självklart sätt, som att inget är fel med det.

Sedan en trötthet över hur långt samtalet förskjutits sedan 2014 och att det gått från att handla om att rasism är oacceptabelt till att tumma mer och mer på det och att det nu handlar om att det är helt okej att kläcka ur sig rasistiska uttalanden utan att ha den minsta analys bakom vad detta har att göra med för strukturer eller vad det gör med Sverige.

Helvete vad trött jag blir. Och arg.

Och här är det säkert flera av er som tänker efter en vända och säger…” Hey Anna, du är ju adopterad, det är ju inte DIG som uttalandet gäller.”

Korrekt, jag är adopterad och har bott här hela mitt liv.

Men vem kan säga det när de ser mig på bussen eller ute på en promenad? Hur särskiljer vi vilka som har rätt att vara här och inte?

Svaret är att det kan vi inte. Utan istället så skapar uttalande som detta en uppdelning i vilka som är riktiga svenskar och det ger också rasisterna vatten på sin kvarn i sin tro att “Bara riktiga svenskar har rätt att vara här och få jobb!”

För när det sägs saker som detta, att invandringen är en belastning för Sverige, så gör det återigen något med hur Sverige ser på människor med utomnordisk bakgrund.
Vi alla ses som mindre värda och det blir ett synsätt som ges legitimitet. 

Sedan har vi den andra biten. Det är denna att när ett sådant här uttalande sker så skapar det också en vilja att försvara mig. Jag vill bevisa hur mycket jag har jobbat, hur mycket jag tillför till det svenska samhället för att säga att jag inte är en belastning och att jag är lika mycket svensk som alla andra. Som alla vita.

Men det är en känsla som varar i cirka en minut för sedan inser jag att jag inte ska behöva försvara mig. Jag ska kunna vara sjukskriven, kass på mitt jobb, sno din jädra flickvän och ändå känna att jag inte är mer av en belastning på samhället bara för att jag är utomnordisk.

Min första känsla är en känsla jag inte kan rå för men jag önskar så att den hade kunnat försvinna. Både för att jag inte ska behöva försvara mig men för att detta också lägger debatten helt fel.

För det får inte bli ett samtal som handlar om “Den duktiga invandraren” VS “Den lata invandraren” för då kommer debatten att handla om vem som gör tillräckligt mycket för att inte vara en belastning. Och vi som inte ser tillräckligt svenska ut kommer ALDRIG kunna göra tillräckligt mycket för att inte vara en belastning. För det handlar inte om det utan det handlar om att vi inte är tillräckligt svenska.

Men ett uttalande om att invandring är en belastning delar upp oss som pekas ut i två läger, de som är tillräckligt bra och de som inte är det. 

Vem klarar ribban och vem får vara med?

Det splittrar, skapar osäkerhet och framförallt flyttar det fokus till oss istället för vart det ska vara: Nämligen att detta är ett rasistiskt uttalande och att det inte är okej. Vi har rätt att vara här på samma villkor som alla andra och vi har rätt att göra exakt så mycket eller lite vi kan utan att det ska skrikas om utvisning eller lathet. 

Och att detta återigen skapar en situation där svenskar med utomnordisk bakgrund känner sig fast i en rävsax där vi inte kan göra rätt.

Vi kan inte vara tillräckligt bra för att inte vara en belastning för vi måste alltid var TUSEN gånger bättre än  vita svenskar. 

Men är vi tillräckligt bra så är vi för bra och då ska vi veta vår plats och den är inte i de vita rummen eller jobben. 

Känn tacksamhet mot det land som tagit emot dig. Känn skuld om du inte tillför. Men gör inte för mycket för då snor du rimliga svenskars jobb, flickvänner och levebröd. 

I slutändan känner jag en enorm ilska över att sådan här uttalande kommer från landets näst största parti som valt att haka på en rasistisk retorik till den milda grad att de numera ser detta som ett helt okej sätt att uttrycka sig på.

Jag är inte en belastning för att jag finns här. Ingen ska känna sig som en belastning för att de bor här och ingen ska känna att de ska behöva försvara sin existens gentemot ett måttstock som är byggd på rasism.

How it is to live with a trauma.

It’s May and it’s #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and I’m finally ready to talk about my mental health issues and how it is to live with the after-effects of a trauma.

This is the hardest blogpost I've written. Please be kind. 
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

My mental state in 2012: Depression. PTSD and emotional instability.

I was not in good shape after my abusive relationship ended. The first months after it ended I was drunk 24/7, at the hospital for suicidal behavior for two weeks and after that I was on medication for two years only to be able to live.
And during those two years I had to re-learn so much. Like how to be able to walk outside without having a panic attack, how to take a train by myself, how to say my opinion or laugh without being afraid of being scolded or being told that I was dumb or fake.
I had a great therapist from day 4 in the hospital but it took him months to figure out what was wrong with me, apart from depression and recovering from the abusive relationship.

I was always able to work during this time. I took my first exam in Journalism the day before I ended up in the hospital and four months later (with highest grade despite being drunk 24/7), I moved to Stockholm for my internship. No matter how bad shape I was in, how little I slept or how much I broke down at home, I found safety in being able to go to work in the morning.

“You should not be able to work at all, you should be on full time sick leave”, was my therapist's words once. He asked if I wanted to be on sick leave but I said no. I was so down in the dark that I was afraid of what would happen if I did not have the routine of work anymore.

And I did a great job after all, good recommendations and I was seen as a great colleague with much potential. (And yes, here my workaholic pattern started)

But my mental health did not get any better. I continued to be on medication to be able to function, I could not sleep without my pills and I gobbled up anxiety medicine as there was no tomorrow. I had nightmares, panic attacks and I could not stop beating myself up over everything. I could not connect with people and I was just so afraid.

After months of weekly therapy meetings, my therapist started to dig into the possibility that I might have PTSD. 

I ticked basically every box of those tests. We started on a new journey where I trained in managing my everyday life, handling my anxiety and preparing for situations that might come. We started with exposure training, self awareness and a lot more.
And step by step I got better. 

I took my second exam in Journalism. I took on more jobs and I grew in my work role.

3 years after my abusive relationship ended, I could take the train in my city by myself again.
I got off my medication, then my sleeping pills.
I was on the verge of becoming fine again.

Then I had a horrible relapse where I had to relive my whole trauma again. I had to explain why I had not walked away earlier, why I did not go to the police immediately ( I had waited for a year after it ended since feelings are tricky that way) and also defend myself as a person. After all, I seemed so emotional and unable to let go so why should I be trusted.
It almost broke me again and I had to take two days off from work.

My therapist again said that I should not work and that I should take some goddamn time off. But I was in so much pain that I was afraid to do so. At the same time I started to feel the long term effects of my PTSD and living with an ongoing trauma for so long. So with my permission, he called my work and made sure that they were aware of what had happened and that I could skip one of my tasks at work.

From there on, my life kept on rolling. Or rather, routines kept me going. I gobbled up anxiety pills again but I did not have to go back to other medications and sleeping pills.

Me and my therapist kept on working on my mental health and this time, it went quicker. I had some more mental scars from the relapse but in 2017 I was completely good again.

Or rather, so good that my therapist and I both agreed upon that I did not have to come back and that I was as good as I may get.

My mental state in 2021: I have been good for a few years but I am living with the after-effects of  depression, PTSD and emotional instability.

The long term effects of trauma will never go away.

So… what am I living with today?

• I’m on 80% of my energy. All the time. This was hard for me to accept and it took years, tears and long talks before I could accept that I would never have my old energy back. That I will get tired quicker and if I push myself at work, then my private time will suffer as I would not be able to do anything for days. Things also take longer time, both private and in work.
• Memoryloss, both short term and long term. I have severe glitches in my memory from the years when I was 26-29. Some periods there when I was on medication.. It is just blank and I have no memory of the things that happened there. Thank god for photos, journals and for me writing things down. I can live with that. The sad thing is that before my trauma, I had a memory I was proud of. I could read 10 pages and memorize them in five minutes and it stayed. Now, I forget things all the time and it takes lots of notebooks, calendars and control for me to keep things in mind. I make it work but I’ve lost count on how many times that I have broken down and cried because of that loss.
• Lack of concentration and focus. As with my energy, this is 80% and sometimes, it is goddamn hard. The days when my brain is just like a teflon pan, I just have to pull through and write everything down and trust my methods of organization and routines that kept me living during the hard years.
• Severe trust issues. I don’t trust people and I’m having a hard time connecting on a deeper level. PTSD puts me in a constant flight or fight mode so it is extremely hard for me to trust people. I’ve become very independant and very firm in never having to rely on people again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that basically, all my patterns of connections are replaced with patterns of protection. I blame or thank my journalist work, my passion for nerdy things and my love for animals that I’m still able to talk to people.
• Guilt and shame. I constantly beat myself up over mistakes I make. This since I know that I could have done a better job if I were 100%. And also the voice from the mental abuse that says that everything I do is wrong and why do I even try. The guilt and shame are sometimes unbearable and then I can only take care of myself with movies and icecream.
• Nightmares. They are fewer these days but they have never stopped and I still wake up crying and in horror over old things, even after ten years. 

But why speak about it now, openly here on my blog with everything to lose?

Because it is time for me to be open about my mental health. That is my only answer here.
There are so many out there, men, women and non-binary that struggles with mental health issues and they carry so much by themself and it should not have to be that way. Stories about mental health and how to handle it are important and if by sharing my story and what I live with makes it any easier for people out there, then it’s worth it.

And I don’t fear judgement and loss of things or people anymore. My bosses today already know and me being able to tell them is a result of me being open. 

I’m also extremely grateful to my bosses on different jobs that have been not only understanding but extremely supportive when I told them. They did not see me as broken or a nuisance but they trusted that I had my things under control and that I would tell if it became too much. 

I think I also wanted to be open about it since I think it’s important to talk about mental health and how it affects people. With knowledge and care, it gets better and I don’t want people that go through something similar to find a destructive coping mechanism. Not in this day and era.

Perhaps I also want to say that this is a weight I carry with me, each day and it sometimes affects me more.

These days, I have a very rich and full life where I can do all the things I want. I stay away from certain people that trigger me and I also have to think of what I spend energy on and that I need to rest more often. 

When I met Viktor, my mental health was one of the first things I told him about. We were sleeping together and he needed to know about my nightmares, my trust issues and why I sometimes said that I needed to faceplant the sofa and not move for hours. He needed to know and I needed to be transparent.

Do I wish that this had never happened to me? 

Heck yeah. I sometimes wish for my old self so bad that it hurts. I want to have 100% of my energy and I want to be whole.
But I will never be able to go back to the old me again.

However, I found a new me that is not only surviving but living. With scars, trust issues and being me. I continue to take care of myself, to have awarness of my health and to take help when it gets to much.

I'm very happy for the person I am today and I will make my outmost to have the best life I can.

Every step of the way.

I'm so damn happy over being alive.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

The Drama Element Triangle that makes me want to watch everything!

 Let's talk a bit about the tension of drama in series and books. I shamelessly named this the Drama Element Triangle, shortened to DET

In a previous blogpost about The Bridgerton, I mentioned the Drama Element Triangle, shortened to DET, that I had came up with. (And, yes, I’m shamelessly proud over it!) 

To be honest, it came to be when I was talking to Viktor one late evening about The Bridgerton and tried to explain why it made such a good series. And then, I relaized that it could be applied to so many other series so it became a thing.

Here, I will elaborate it a bit more!

I love watching dramas, especially historical ones and I love to dive into the intrigues, plottlines and the personal development that comes with it.
Nothing causes my blood to boil more than a really good drama and nothing can make my cry so much.

Perhaps it is my larperself that loves to dive into the intrigues or perhaps  I’m just a sucker for sitting on the sidelines and figuring out the plotts and cheering for my favorites. Add a bit of masochism in there for when I push myself to finish my 70+ episodes of Chinese dramas and you have me in a box.

So what makes a good drama for me?

Well, of course, the actors need to be good, the story is something that keeps me captured and also I need to feel that the character development are going somewhere. Last but not least, I need my dramas to have depth and surprises as well as being a joy to watch, aesthetics are so important!

But I also need my drama to have something more, a tension that creates a good balance and that put the characters' struggle and interactions on a structural level and not only an individual level.

So enter the Drama Element Triangle (DET). In short, it can be explained like this:

All good dramas in my world need to have a cirle around something... It can be a love story gone wrone, a mission impossible, a postapocalyptic work heading for doom, a family story with lots of intrigues...You name it.

We have astory but the drama usually create its structural tension by drawing from the following themes:

• Gender roles/Sexism

• Class/Hierarchy.

• Racism

(In Fantasy setting, we also throw in the element of the battle between good and evil but when broken down,that battle usually can land in one of the tree above)

One of these elements in a drama is ok but I think that it usually becomes even better when we have two out of three from the DET to create a good drama. The more the merrier and the more heartpain I feel when watching.

This is not always the way of course, I have dramas that only pulls from one end on the DET and it works, mostly because of great actors and with pulling that element to a very extreme focus and also making it relatable to our present time.

So in short, take one or more of the DET and add that to a bigger theme (Religion, Environment crisis, rebellion, a love story or growing into adulthood etc) and the drama is there.

Ok, this is not rocket science so maybe I should not be that proud (I still am) but I’m having a blast in analysing my dramas and books with this one. It also helps me in choosing what dramas and books I want to read and watch. I have a very hard time with dramas that pull too hard from the racism element since it hurts a bit extra on me in the real world. Those dramas or books that have racism as one of it's main element really have to give me something extra if I want to sit and have my heart broken over that.

Cause the DET is of course pulling all the inspiration and angles from our real world and it all boils down is world building and how to make a series to keep people hooked on something.

I want my dramas with a bit of escapism but they also have to be relatable and with that, I need to look so they don’t become too close to home.
For some reason , I have a much easier time enjoying the element of sexism/gender roles in dramas than racism. But it also depends on how it is combined with the other elements. 

For example, my Chinese historical harem dramas pulls very much from Gender Roles/sexism in combination with Class/Hierarchy. The racism element is there but in a very tiny amount. That combination makes it very fun to put the characters' individual struggles to the DET and try to see what are their own mistakes/successes and what comes from outer factors.

It is all about balance and what combination that fits one self.

But I love the DET cause it gives me a lot of inspiration to larp characters, roleplaying worlds and how to build my own stories. And I love to look for the DET a bit extra in my historical dramas since it helps me analys my own world a bit better and to see what I can change in the short term and on the long term.
And most of all, to find out what it was in a drama or a book that just left me unengaged with the story.

I’m just a nerd in this way :)