Part of this was published earlier as a post on my Facebook-page. However, since posting, I realized more and more things and wanted to elaborate some parts more. Enjoy!
One thing that has been pretty obvious for my close friends and has been for many years is the fact that I work. A lot.
I put my work first and I work all the time. No breaks, no vacations and I always try to go for my dreams.
I'm a workaholic and that is no surprise to me or my close friends. For the rest of the world, it might not be that obvious, mostly because it might seem like I have all the fun, all the time and manage to be a ninja in everything I do.
Part of that is true. I've always loved my work (all of them) and I have lots of fun. But there is also a huge backside to being a workaholic and I want to lift that up.
Both for myself but also to shed light over the fact that no one is:
1) perfect.
2) has all the time in the world.
3) that working can serve as an escape from trouble and pain.
I have always taken huge pride in my work and how I’ve done it. I think it already started when I got my first job in my late teenage years. I loved having a job and doing my best.
After I finished my studies and became a journalist, it became even more important. There were (and are still) so few journalist jobs so when I got a job that I wanted to do my best so maybe I could have a shot at that sweet stable job that I so longed for.
There was also another reason for me being so into my work and that is the darker one. I was in a bad relationship around 12 years back. It had great parts but also mental abuse and one case of physical abuse and I was a freaking mess when I got out of it. The time after it ended was a blur of pain, denial and also sorrow over how wrong my relationship had gone. And I put the blame on myself. I did not live during that time, I only survived.
It took me years of therapy, self-care and also the love of my then-husband to find the will both to live and to heal.
But during all this hard time, I could work and I did it very well. Since I found out pretty early that one of the ways that I felt that I could be the old me, the whole me that could function and be something more than only a broken human being, that was in my work.
And me taking pride in my work helped me heal a lot.
The years went by and I had several jobs. In journalism, as a freelancer writing for magazines, doing lectures and teaching in writing and of course: organizing things in the gaming culture for feminism, diversity and inclusion.
I loved all of this and wanted to do more. I was really passionate about it all.
I loved all of this and wanted to do more. I was really passionate about it all.
But underneath was always the stress.
For money.
For a stable job.
For wanting to make a bigger change and make it happen faster.
For having too little time.
For money.
For a stable job.
For wanting to make a bigger change and make it happen faster.
For having too little time.
And then the dark thoughts.
That I was only as good as my last job and that I would never ever get a stable job as a journalist, I would never ever have a proper vacation, never be able to rest and feel that I could take some time off.
That I was only as good as my last job and that I would never ever get a stable job as a journalist, I would never ever have a proper vacation, never be able to rest and feel that I could take some time off.
I felt worthless, like a failure and a fraud.
Worthless since I could not get that sweet stable job as a journalist (even though I always had work and they kept telling me that I was awesome.)
Worthless since I could not get that sweet stable job as a journalist (even though I always had work and they kept telling me that I was awesome.)
Failure since I felt like I put so much into my education and went for my dream and now... I was just looking at a future without stability (because that is what a good girl syndrome and economical stress do to one's self-image. )
A fraud since many around me thought that I could do it all and relied on me to organize things, do more and also found it so cool that I could do all of these things in so little time.
Truth to be told, I had no time after work. I often went from one work to another, I spent evenings editing or writing to make sure to get it all done.
When my then-husband got sick and tired, I felt the stress even more.
I did not have a stable job and even though I’m super lucky in having wealthy parents and savings, I did not want to turn to them too much.
I did not have a stable job and even though I’m super lucky in having wealthy parents and savings, I did not want to turn to them too much.
My solution to my stress, my dark thoughts and trying to make life perfect for me and my then-husband?
I worked even more.
The pride I felt over my work was still there but the work had also become my whole world.
Of course, I only did things that I wanted to do and that were my dreams.
But I worked way too much and I carried it all by myself and I also wanted to prove myself.
But I worked way too much and I carried it all by myself and I also wanted to prove myself.
“I know that you can do everything. So that's why I ask you to do all the things others can’t or won’t do” said a close friend to me in Sverok once.
And instead of saying no I felt proud for the trust people had in me. And I worked, even more, to not prove them wrong.
This year, I realized how freaking weird and fucked up this has been. How much I’ve lost in the form of my health, my friends and also of time that will never come back.
I've been lucky. I have not burned out. I did when I was 19 (thank you, dad, for helping me say no and cutting down on things) but I’ve been so damn close over the years.
Last year was the first time I had a proper vacation (Thanks SF!) and this year, my bosses are having a hard time to make me accept and understand that I’m allowed to have a vacation. And that my mental health is worth everything. (Thanks Bethesda and Mi5 
)
)
I'm still very proud over the work that I have done in the past and I love my current job so much. And as I said, I have great bosses that make me take care of myself.
I work now on setting up boundaries to have a balance between work and free time. It might seem like pretty easy things but these are very big steps for me:
- I will not work for free anymore.
- I will get off when my day ends.
- I will have my days off and take a vacation.
- I will never put my work ahead of the private life of my loved ones again,
- It's not my responsibility to fix peoples lives by working myself to the bone.
- It's ok for me to rest, cry and ask for help.
These are small steps but I want to be able to live, to be a human and to relax with the ones I love. And it’s super scary to both admit this and to look at the years ahead of me and see a happy life with work and free time.
And the reason why I write this here on my blog is that I also want to plant some thoughts in the head of people that read this.
Both so you can take care of yourself and not burn out but also perhaps shed some light over the fact that working too much is never a good thing, even if it's for your dreams, and that perhaps we should not encourage people that work too much. Neither should we put all the heavy work on them
2020 has been a weird year but the realization that I want to have a life where I can live, have adventures and also rest is something positive I try to focus on. I want to be happy, to be human and also to do my job great.
Last but not least: I'm not my work but I'm still pretty damn awesome as just me.
