How it is to live with a trauma.

It’s May and it’s #mentalhealthawarenessmonth and I’m finally ready to talk about my mental health issues and how it is to live with the after-effects of a trauma.

This is the hardest blogpost I've written. Please be kind. 
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.

My mental state in 2012: Depression. PTSD and emotional instability.

I was not in good shape after my abusive relationship ended. The first months after it ended I was drunk 24/7, at the hospital for suicidal behavior for two weeks and after that I was on medication for two years only to be able to live.
And during those two years I had to re-learn so much. Like how to be able to walk outside without having a panic attack, how to take a train by myself, how to say my opinion or laugh without being afraid of being scolded or being told that I was dumb or fake.
I had a great therapist from day 4 in the hospital but it took him months to figure out what was wrong with me, apart from depression and recovering from the abusive relationship.

I was always able to work during this time. I took my first exam in Journalism the day before I ended up in the hospital and four months later (with highest grade despite being drunk 24/7), I moved to Stockholm for my internship. No matter how bad shape I was in, how little I slept or how much I broke down at home, I found safety in being able to go to work in the morning.

“You should not be able to work at all, you should be on full time sick leave”, was my therapist's words once. He asked if I wanted to be on sick leave but I said no. I was so down in the dark that I was afraid of what would happen if I did not have the routine of work anymore.

And I did a great job after all, good recommendations and I was seen as a great colleague with much potential. (And yes, here my workaholic pattern started)

But my mental health did not get any better. I continued to be on medication to be able to function, I could not sleep without my pills and I gobbled up anxiety medicine as there was no tomorrow. I had nightmares, panic attacks and I could not stop beating myself up over everything. I could not connect with people and I was just so afraid.

After months of weekly therapy meetings, my therapist started to dig into the possibility that I might have PTSD. 

I ticked basically every box of those tests. We started on a new journey where I trained in managing my everyday life, handling my anxiety and preparing for situations that might come. We started with exposure training, self awareness and a lot more.
And step by step I got better. 

I took my second exam in Journalism. I took on more jobs and I grew in my work role.

3 years after my abusive relationship ended, I could take the train in my city by myself again.
I got off my medication, then my sleeping pills.
I was on the verge of becoming fine again.

Then I had a horrible relapse where I had to relive my whole trauma again. I had to explain why I had not walked away earlier, why I did not go to the police immediately ( I had waited for a year after it ended since feelings are tricky that way) and also defend myself as a person. After all, I seemed so emotional and unable to let go so why should I be trusted.
It almost broke me again and I had to take two days off from work.

My therapist again said that I should not work and that I should take some goddamn time off. But I was in so much pain that I was afraid to do so. At the same time I started to feel the long term effects of my PTSD and living with an ongoing trauma for so long. So with my permission, he called my work and made sure that they were aware of what had happened and that I could skip one of my tasks at work.

From there on, my life kept on rolling. Or rather, routines kept me going. I gobbled up anxiety pills again but I did not have to go back to other medications and sleeping pills.

Me and my therapist kept on working on my mental health and this time, it went quicker. I had some more mental scars from the relapse but in 2017 I was completely good again.

Or rather, so good that my therapist and I both agreed upon that I did not have to come back and that I was as good as I may get.

My mental state in 2021: I have been good for a few years but I am living with the after-effects of  depression, PTSD and emotional instability.

The long term effects of trauma will never go away.

So… what am I living with today?

• I’m on 80% of my energy. All the time. This was hard for me to accept and it took years, tears and long talks before I could accept that I would never have my old energy back. That I will get tired quicker and if I push myself at work, then my private time will suffer as I would not be able to do anything for days. Things also take longer time, both private and in work.
• Memoryloss, both short term and long term. I have severe glitches in my memory from the years when I was 26-29. Some periods there when I was on medication.. It is just blank and I have no memory of the things that happened there. Thank god for photos, journals and for me writing things down. I can live with that. The sad thing is that before my trauma, I had a memory I was proud of. I could read 10 pages and memorize them in five minutes and it stayed. Now, I forget things all the time and it takes lots of notebooks, calendars and control for me to keep things in mind. I make it work but I’ve lost count on how many times that I have broken down and cried because of that loss.
• Lack of concentration and focus. As with my energy, this is 80% and sometimes, it is goddamn hard. The days when my brain is just like a teflon pan, I just have to pull through and write everything down and trust my methods of organization and routines that kept me living during the hard years.
• Severe trust issues. I don’t trust people and I’m having a hard time connecting on a deeper level. PTSD puts me in a constant flight or fight mode so it is extremely hard for me to trust people. I’ve become very independant and very firm in never having to rely on people again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again that basically, all my patterns of connections are replaced with patterns of protection. I blame or thank my journalist work, my passion for nerdy things and my love for animals that I’m still able to talk to people.
• Guilt and shame. I constantly beat myself up over mistakes I make. This since I know that I could have done a better job if I were 100%. And also the voice from the mental abuse that says that everything I do is wrong and why do I even try. The guilt and shame are sometimes unbearable and then I can only take care of myself with movies and icecream.
• Nightmares. They are fewer these days but they have never stopped and I still wake up crying and in horror over old things, even after ten years. 

But why speak about it now, openly here on my blog with everything to lose?

Because it is time for me to be open about my mental health. That is my only answer here.
There are so many out there, men, women and non-binary that struggles with mental health issues and they carry so much by themself and it should not have to be that way. Stories about mental health and how to handle it are important and if by sharing my story and what I live with makes it any easier for people out there, then it’s worth it.

And I don’t fear judgement and loss of things or people anymore. My bosses today already know and me being able to tell them is a result of me being open. 

I’m also extremely grateful to my bosses on different jobs that have been not only understanding but extremely supportive when I told them. They did not see me as broken or a nuisance but they trusted that I had my things under control and that I would tell if it became too much. 

I think I also wanted to be open about it since I think it’s important to talk about mental health and how it affects people. With knowledge and care, it gets better and I don’t want people that go through something similar to find a destructive coping mechanism. Not in this day and era.

Perhaps I also want to say that this is a weight I carry with me, each day and it sometimes affects me more.

These days, I have a very rich and full life where I can do all the things I want. I stay away from certain people that trigger me and I also have to think of what I spend energy on and that I need to rest more often. 

When I met Viktor, my mental health was one of the first things I told him about. We were sleeping together and he needed to know about my nightmares, my trust issues and why I sometimes said that I needed to faceplant the sofa and not move for hours. He needed to know and I needed to be transparent.

Do I wish that this had never happened to me? 

Heck yeah. I sometimes wish for my old self so bad that it hurts. I want to have 100% of my energy and I want to be whole.
But I will never be able to go back to the old me again.

However, I found a new me that is not only surviving but living. With scars, trust issues and being me. I continue to take care of myself, to have awarness of my health and to take help when it gets to much.

I'm very happy for the person I am today and I will make my outmost to have the best life I can.

Every step of the way.

I'm so damn happy over being alive.
Photo by Iduna Pertoft Sundarp.